Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Not saying nothing anymore...

I'm at a loss for words.  No, literally.  I've had this editor window up for two hours, just staring at me.   I haven't blogged in quite a while, and I've wanted too... but so many bad things have happened.  I've always had the blogging mentality of:

I like blame my incessant Disney watching as a child for most of what I do/say/think/feel.  My radio silence when I'm upset is just one example.  (Seriously, my need to clean when I'm upset?  Cinderella.  My inward thoughts of combing my hair every time I pick up a fork?  Little Mermaid.  But I digress...)

After Friday's tragedy, I decided that shutting up and staying out of the discussion purely because I'm heartbroken just isn't the answer.  Keeping the sad things that happen in my life quiet, and not talking about them on our blog isn't the answer.  This won't be a happy, feel-good post... but that's okay.  Sometimes, we need to let our feelings out.  Even when they're not pretty ones.  And... emotions dump in 3... 2... 1...

Last Thursday, I had a miscarriage.  This is my second one.  We weren't trying, and we didn't even know we were expecting.  Let's just pause for a minute, NOBODY should find out they were pregnant by having a miscarriage.  I've long held that if anyone has to experience loss, they shouldn't have to experience multiple losses.  Sadly, that's not the case...  I know so many people who have experienced back-to-back, or repeated losses, and it sucks.  We're okay, we're sad... but we're okay.  We've had a lot of love and support from our families.  It will get better, it just will.

We went to Clackamas Town Center on Monday.  I had a weird, inky feeling the whole time we were there, but I couldn't place it.  It turned out just fine, Bug met Santa, she loved him.  She sat on his lap, in awe, petting his beard.  We had a great time as a family, stopping after her Santa pictures to make a stuffed Hello Kitty at Build-a-Bear.  Had we gone the next night, the VERY next night, in the very same part of the mall... I just get sick when I think about it.  That next night, a shooter tore through that very same corner of the mall.  The court with SANTA and children.  The court with families, just trying to get their Christmas shopping done.  In my backyard this happened.  My Oregon, my home...

If one shooting wasn't bad enough, Friday we learned of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary.  Sandy Hook was 30 miles from my home in Connecticut.  Thirty short miles from my door, in a safe, idyllic New England village, absolute hell was unleashed.  I just... I just cannot understand.  I'm devastated, it's just terrible.  As a mom, I cannot fathom that kind of loss.  I cannot fathom those sweet children being shot.  I cannot imagine the babies who survived, being told to close their eyes on the way out of the school.  I cannot stand their innocence being taken in such a horrific way.  I feel for them, for their families.  I feel for the family of the shooter... I cannot imagine what they're going through.

I can't stay silent... So I post.  But it isn't enough.  :-(  I'm just tired of all the sad.


  1. Zack and I have been going through some similar things. Hope things look up for you. Being a "grown up" is more difficult sometimes than I expected.

  2. Oh sweetie. I'm sorry. Big hug!